Rise of the Martian Guinea Pigs

By Jessica Diamond, Writer Extraordinaire

No one expected the invasion to start at the zoo in Omaha—but it happened. Let me tell you the story.

It was a typical hot summer day in Omaha. Parents and children alike packed the zoo. As the hustle and bustle filled the air, no one noticed the tiny spaceship arriving overhead. It was round and silver, with blinking lights and a bumper sticker that read, “In hay we trust.”

It hovered over the zoo as patrons stared in disbelief.

What is it? someone whispered.

The ship circled once and then landed—right in a hay pile.

Gasps rippled through the crowd as the door opened and a ramp extended. Then, down marched a fleet of guinea pigs in green suits. Their shimmering fur—purple and gold—was visible through their spacesuits. At the front was their leader, the legendary Professor Whiskertron, who confidently declared:

“Nous venons en paix.”
(We come in peace.)

Luckily, a college student in the crowd shouted, “Whoa, they speak French!” Some visitors thought she was joking, but she pulled out her translator app to prove it. The zoo facilitator, thinking fast, asked if she would serve as the official translator.

She agreed and asked the guinea pigs,
“Pourquoi êtes-vous venus ?”
(Why have you come?)

Their answer was simple: hay.

Mars had run out. The harsh environment destroyed their supply, and they were desperate for Timothy grass to restart their gardens—and grab a snack. But there was more. They were also looking for someone specific:

Jessica Diamond. Artist. Writer. Songmaker.

They had been listening to her broadcasts on satellite radio and fallen in love with her music. They wanted to bring her to Mars as their official composer—and they’d even teach her French.

One of the parents stepped forward. “I know Jessica Diamond! I can give her a call—if she’s not on tour.”

Jessica got the call. Naturally, she was busy—writing her twelfth album and living the dream as a full-time songwriter, author, and digital creator. But when she heard about the guinea pigs, she said,
“I’m a little busy, but I can be there in an hour.”

In the meantime, the guinea pigs munched on hay and veggies—especially carrots and green peppers, their favorites.

When Jessica arrived (fashionably), she brought a stack of CDs as a gift.

But Professor Whiskertron politely declined.

“Nous ne voulons pas de CD, nous voulons vous emmener sur notre planète.”
(We don’t want CDs, we want to take you to our planet.)

Jessica blinked. She was flattered… and curious.

Do I want to live on Mars with a colony of guinea pigs? she wondered.
Do they have electricity? She needed to power her recording equipment, after all!

The guinea pigs assured her:

• Yes, they had power.
• Yes, she could make music.
• Yes, she would have a castle—with a doll room and an elevator.

A doll room and an elevator?

“Hmmm. I’m sold,” Jessica said.

She returned home to grab her gear and her favorite dolls, while the guinea pigs packed up the Timothy hay.

They boarded the ship, and Jessica waved goodbye—now the first interplanetary DJ and songwriter in history.

It was a long flight, but Jessica got creative mid-journey, writing songs among the stars. When they arrived, she moved into her castle and started French classes immediately.

Jessica did it—
Not only is she a huge success on Earth, she’s one on Mars.

The End.